Confessions of the Wounded, but Living: Pt.1

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27*

Then the LORD God said, "It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make a helper fit for him. Genesis 2: 18

So the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the LORD God had taken from the man in he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said,

"This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; and she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man."

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.
Genesis 2: 21-25

For you formed by inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:14

Warning: The following is part one of a series on confessions. Some of the most deepest areas of my heart are being posted on this blog in the following days. Proceed reading with prayerful caution. It is not my intention to glorify my past and present sinful thoughts and behavior, but to be held accountable to the Body of Christ. I write this as a part of healing process to be conformed to the image of the Lord Jesus Christ. Part of this repentance process is admitting my sins.

Sexuality has been a subject I have been reflecting on since I became cognizant of this mysterious and problematic part of human experience. I have been struggling with this topic ever since I can remember. I was exposed to pornographic material in my early childhood. I've had sexual encounters as a child with both a girl and a boy. Then when I became a teen I was exposed to more material on the Internet of both heterosexual and homosexual nature.

My addiction to porn became when I became interested in bodybuilding in my pre-teens. I wanted to do something about the way I looked. I was one of those 'husky' boys who was sedentary. So I developed an interest in the muscle sport. I looked up mainstream bodybuilding magazines on the web. I printed out a whole bunch of stuff on training, diet and nutrition. Then I noticed some links to male physique modeling agencies. I lot of these websites contained Adonis-looking male models posing semi-nude or full frontal nude just like those ancient classical sculptures one sees in museums.

At first I thought "Wow, I could look like that." Then my admirations for these men's bodies turned into idolatry without blinking. I started to imagine myself as these guys making love to some of the most hottest looking women on the planet. I started visiting these websites frequently. Then my imagination started to run wild. I would ask myself, "What if...?" So I started to search the Internet for possible world combinations with the word "muscle". As I typed certain word combos, I started to see websites of homosexual nature. I didn't even know gay porn existed. Like its heterosexual counterparts it comes in various genres. I started to search for masculine-oriented male erotica and tried to steer away from the stereotypical effeminate looking stuff as to rationalize my perverted curiosity. When stuff got "too heavy" to see, I started looking at straight porn to cover my tracks if anyone discovered I was looking at gay porn. But things got worst. I couldn't believe the stuff I was looking at. I started to become desensitized at the sexual images.

As I kept creeping on the Net looking at porn, I started to develop a negative self-concept. Many of the pornographic content played towards the stereotype of black men have large genitalia. The "Mandingo" with a 9-inch long, 6 inch wide penis was exemplar of the perfect Alpha black male. This screwed with the way I viewed my body and manhood. "Will I be man enough?" "Does size really matter?" Many say that porn gives many men false perceptions of women. That's true, but it also gives false perceptions of men and their bodies. And I bought into it... quickly.

I've keep this to myself for many years from high to college. I didn't really hang out with a lot of guys my age in high school. I generally cling to the company of women at home. Though I found girls sexually attractive I was deeply mortified of dating. Secondarily because my religious convictions, but primarily because of my tarnished self-concept. When hearing about the exploits of my "high school classmates laying their pipe" I thought was deeply hopeless to seeking companion. "I must not be the guy women are looking to have sex with, let alone to date." So I keep to myself, to my books, and to my porn...

* All Scripture is taken from the Holy Bible English Standard Version

Pt. 2 deals with masturbation, and my yearning for intimacy....